“There’s nae more room!” as Scotland becomes full to the brim

By all accounts it’s less Scotland and more Sardineland, as the the shock results of the 2011 census have revealed that there is no longer a single square foot of Scottish land that doesn’t have a Scotsman standing on it. Anyone visiting Scotland and hoping to view lochs, mountains and heather will now sadly be disappointed, as an arial view of the country shows all scenery completely obscured by what can only be described as a ‘Scotsman Carpet’.

This is due in the most part to a rapidly expanding Alex Salmond, who is situated right in the middle of the throng and being passed neeps and deep fried mars bars by the ‘Worker Scotsmen’ surrounding him . He is also producing baby Scotsmen at a rate of roughly 4 per second.

David Attenborough told us that he had been predicting such a catastrophe for some time. “The population has been rapidly increasing at an alarming rate over the past few months. We think some of the Scots were trying to warn us but sadly we have had some communication issues as instead of saying ‘yes’ and ‘no’ they prefer to say other things like ‘aye’ and ‘noo’. Obviously we can only guess what that might mean. We estimate though that their Queen Alex Salmond, is about to produce another batch of young. This could force the ‘Scotsman Carpet’ well over the border and as far down into England as the Watford Gap. History tells us that this sort of thing happens in Scotland every couple of thousand years or so. That’s probably why they built Hadrians wall I would imagine.”

David Cameron is apparently under considerable pressure to help solve the crisis. An insider told us “The country is so rammed, that many of his friends and family are unable to reach their second homes at weekends. Many of Nick Clegg’s friends have second homes there as well. But those second homes are fairer.”

The public have however been urged not to panic or take drastic action, as a solution may well be at hand. Environment Secretary and badger basher Owen Paterson told us “If we can just stop them feeding Alex Salmond, things will go back to normal reasonably quickly. Failing that, we’ll have to pour boiling water over them” he added.