Parents stampede to enrol their children in the best gangs


Almost half of England’s school districts have more potential gang members  than gang places  according to the latest figures released by the Local Government Association this morning. David Simmonds of the LGA told us  “Mums and dads want to know that there’s a good quality gang in their neighbourhood where their children can tool themselves up and get  a fearsome rep before completing their studies, taking a gap year and starting work in the city.”

A spokesman for the National Association of parents told us that he feared a two tier system where places in the better gangs would only be available for people in more fortunate circumstances. “It’s long been seen as a postcode lottery as to which gang your child ends up banging in. You can either pay through the nose to put them into a private gang, move house to a prestigious gang area, or just hope for the best. Either way unless your child can decorate their CV with some evidence of drug dealing, pimping, thievery or looking vaguely menacing, blue chip companies just aren’t going to be interested.”

However, rather than simply enrolling their children in gangs many parents have decided to home school their children in the ways of the street.  One parent was just arranging to have the windows on his range rover darkened as when we spoke to him.

“We’d found Orlando a lovely gang in Dalston but really I need to be in Hampstead where my legal practice is. So we decided to make every Thursday evening a night for sitting down as a family and talking gang and wot. Weather permitting we’ll all go out and help him serve up a few rocks. Admittedly I end up being a bit soft and buying most of them myself.  They’re a bit moreish.”

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