Government announce new Free Hospitals with unqualified Doctors

Secretary of State for Health Jeremy Hunt has this morning announced the opening of new free hospitals staffed by unqualified doctors and nurses in order to maximise round the clock care for patients.

“You’ve got a choice of waiting months for an operation by a so called qualified surgeon or you can be operated on by a team of well meaning amateurs the same day. I know which one I’d choose. And often life experiences can be more important than just knowing where various bodily organs are situated.”

The one pilot free hospital situated near Shitterton in Dorset has already had its share of controversy being given 12 months to reduce its current 87% mortality rate but has had nothing but praise from locals. One told us “they’re all ever so nice and the waiting lists are virtually non existent. Only last week I could have sworn I’d broken my leg, but thankfully they informed me I merely had a case of the flooby doobies and just needed some morphine. In fact I think everyone in Accident and Emergency that day turned out to have the flooby doobies. It’s very common round these parts.”

The move has prompted  speculation as to whether the move to employ unqualified professionals might spread into other fields such as education. Secretary of State for Education Michael Gove has however dispelled such rumours and distanced himself from any discussion of free schools. “Unqualified teachers? That would be fucking ridiculous.” He told us.