V festival cancelled due to unforseen blandness

v festival

Festival goers have been left furious at today’s announcement from the organisers of the V festival that the live music event is to be cancelled due to unforeseen blandness.

Richard Branson chairman of the Virgin group who own the festival amongst a number of other things told us “I just woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat thinking what the fuck have I done? Justin Timberlake headlining at a festival? I mean really? And whilst everyone likes to hear Lily Allen moaning about her personal issues in time to music, can we live with ourselves charging people £189 to see Paolo Nutini gyrating his crotch at young girls whilst wittering on about having a licence for his telly? The best thing I can do is cancel the whole thing, though we will still be selling nice shiny tickets to anyone who wants one.”

Manic Street preachers singer James Dean Bradfield who was due to be playing told us “We’re glad its cancelled. We were only playing in order to publicise the blandness of the line up including us. We were just going to sing if you tolerate this (blandness) then your children will be next. It’s the only way the inanity will stop.”

A spokesman for the festival has issued the following statement:  “Sadly we can’t refund anyone’s money who bought tickets. If the festival had gone ahead and you hadn’t turned up then we wouldn’t be required to reimburse you anyway. And now the festival isn’t happening we have no way of knowing whether you would have turned up or not. We just have to learn from this and move on.”

Lovers of bland music events however have been assured that Coldplay are bound to be singing that song that goes “Doo do do doo do do doo” in a field somewhere or other at some point.

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