Benefit claimants in Britain are 100% to blame for the recent global share slump according to Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne who has today announced plans to introduce more austerity measures until such time as worldwide share prices stabilise. And then carry on introducing more.
“Once again the global economy looks shaky, particularly in China, Germany and the US, and it’s clearly down to a team effort between benefits claimants and the Labour party mismanaging the economy by proxy. Not content with causing the worldwide banking crisis and credit crunch disabled people, the unemployed, low earners and public sector workers have pulled a stunt like this. There’s only one way to get China’s economy growing again and that’s by more austerity measures.” he explained.
Work and Pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith admitted mistakes had been made in calling disadvantaged people to account for the last recession, but has vowed this time to learn from them,
“We’ve obviously misjudged the bedroom tax by trying to limit all poor people to one bedroom. They were getting an easy ride with their own room and that’s why Wall street fell by 1% today. Our only option is to reduce the allowance to half a bedroom. Though there is the danger that instead of going to bed, poor people will sit up half the night with their room mates plotting the next global financial catastrophe.”
A spokesman for the Dow Jones index said “Thank you George and Iain. The fate of the world depends on you and your cunty benefit cuts.”
Prime Minister David Cameron has urged the British public not to worry regarding share prices or austerity measures. “I’ve just invested a few million of my own cash in gold which is generally quite a safe investment” he assured.
News Toad 
Sound’s a bit desperate…