UKIP to fill English Channel with crocodiles

crociles UKIP

The United Kingdom Independence Party will fill the English Channel with crocodiles in an effort to combat immigration should they be voted into Government or become part of a coalition.

Speaking at a Press Conference UKIP’s MP for Clacton-on-Sea Douglas Carswell said “We’re basically surrounded by a huge moat but it’s still not stopping people from abroad crossing it willy nilly. Our ancestors used to fill their moats with all sorts of dangerous animals and it’s about time we did the same.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has confirmed that the move will be second on their manifesto after leaving the EU.

“They’re coming over in their droves because they’re after a piece of our Great Britishy Britishness. But let me tell you this Johnny Foreigner, they’re our eggs and bacon and if you can’t respect that then you get eaten by crocodiles.”

Other measures, including pouring hot oil from the top of the Dover cliffs and rolling a giant stone ball down the M3, are said to be popular with voters who see diversity as a threat to traditional British values, such as bland cuisine and inbreeding.

Indeed one Clacton-on-Sea resident told us “We’ve never had many immigrants in Clacton but I would imagine if we hadn’t voted in a UKIP MP we’d have been over run with them. People would be pronouncing Clacton in a Jamaican accent and the whole town would be one big Olympic games opening parade with people just wandering around being foreign.

“The fact that no-one can ever go in the sea again on a hot day is a small price to pay.”

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