America to launch airstrikes on wild animals


America is to up its game in it’s war against wild animals in Africa and launch a series of air strikes according to a statement from the White House issued this morning.

“We’ve had to rely on brave men and women who go out and shoot these animals, armed only with jeeps, high powered assault rifles and security. However it’s not enough and many of these animals just continue unabated, galumphing along not embracing the American way.

“Unless giraffes embrace democracy and lions agree to subscribe to the capitalist ideology and open up a chain of fast food franchises then we’re going to have no option but to bomb the hell out of them. Islamic State will have to wait their turn. We’re not stopping till we’ve bombed all the animals. It’s the only language they understand.

“We’re only doing it because we love animals. By carpet bombing them we’re protecting them.”

Operation Big Game, as it is referred to by the pentagon, has not been without its critics. One source warned “Wiping out all the lions, giraffes and rhinos is merely creating a power vacuum which might just clear the way for fundamentalist zebra. Or something.”

A spokesman for the National Rifle Association said “The only way to make America safe from the animal kingdom is by letting everyone have access to an air strike. It’ll be even better than guns. USA!”

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