Short people to be excluded from living wage

Workers who measure in at under 5ft 6″ in height are not “productive” enough to warrant being paid the new National Living Wage and as a result shouldn’t get it, according to Government Minister Matthew Hancock.

Speaking at the Conservative Party conference Mr Hancock said “Everyone knows that short people are less likely to change light bulbs or retrieve things from high shelves, yet we all draw a blind eye and employers are somehow supposed to pay them exactly the same as everyone else. I’m sure there are some very productive short people out there. But I’ve never seen one. Not whilst keeping my eyes at a level anyway.

“Not that they need the living wage in the first place. They only eat small amounts as a result of having little mouths.”

However, Labour have denounced the new Conservative policy as narrow minded and short sighted. Owen Smith, the Shadow Work & Pensions Secretary said “It’s insulting and divisive to make sweeping suggestions that short people are under productive. There’s no evidence for this and the likelihood is they probably work nearly as hard as everyone else

“It’s true that they generally have smaller mouths. So as a result they mainly eat canapes. Which can be expensive. They’ll certainly never eat enough to get any taller if they’re kept on the minimum wage.”