Prime Minister David Cameron has voiced an impassioned plea to the general public to only shoot live ammunition at Trick or Treaters as a very last resort. Speaking on ITV’s daybreak, he told the nation that whilst nobody should have to endure home visits from people dressed up as creatures of the night, firearm usage should be kept to an absolute minimum.
“We can quite understand that someone may wish to dig a large hole in front of their house and then cover it with a thin layer of foliage so Trick or Treaters end up falling into it. And consequently if they then wish to taunt their detainees by poking them repeatedly with a stick then that is perfectly rational behaviour. All we ask is that machine guns are only used sparingly and in emergencies, such as when being asked for money or sweets. Better still, simply take your captives off in your car and set them free in the countryside”.
The announcement comes as the debate as to what extent an “Englishman’s home is his castle” and how far you can go in legally defending your house from Trick or Treaters. “The whole thing’s a shambles” a member of the public told NewsToad this morning, “apparently someone dressed as a four foot high witch can come round my house expecting fun sized mars bars, but if I fill the wrappers with high density explosive then suddenly I’m in the wrong. I’ve already had a letter from the council asking me to stop pouring boiling oil on them from the upstairs windows. It’s the nanny state.”
In an unexpected show of cross party support John Prescott echoed calls to use firearms only when all other courses of action have been exhausted. “Before you fetch the gattling gun just ask yourself “would a simple ‘fuck off’ do the trick?” Personally I just have them arrested as illegal immigrants” he told us “or sometimes I sit on them”.