“Now I can put my nob in the sponge mix” announces Paul Hollywood

Paul Hollywood has said he is delighted that he is the sole presenter and judge of bake off as now there are now no ladies to prevent him from putting his nob in the cake mix.

When asked if he was saddened that it would only be him presenting and judging Bake Off Mr Hollywood told us that far from it he couldn’t fucking wait.

“It’s all very lovely judging cakes with Mel and Sue and Mary Berry on the BBC but it’s not exactly realistic. If I was baking at home I’d have been winding one up a Battenburg. But they don’t seem to want to show that on the BBC. Hopefully Channel four will provide a more gritty realism. And I can do what I want with all manner of patisserie.” He explained.

“Mel and Sue may seem lovely and inoffensive but they are actually highly judgemental. Every time I wentto ‘judge’ a cake they’d be standing right next to me with a microphone, recounting my every move quirkily on terrestrial television. And I knew if Mary Berry caught me icing the python she would offer a grown up critique of my wanger and somehow that would be even worse”

Channel four have stated that they are not at all worried that the BBC are going to just put out any old twee shit in the place of Bake off and people are just going to watch that instead.