Privatised Royal Mail to abandon letters and focus on brand

Royal Mail

A new privatised Royal Mail will be ditching the traditional concept of a business that delivers letters and parcels to instead focus on the Royal Mail brand. Hordes of marketing executives are set to meet up and quaff champagne and nose candy whilst they decide whether the new RM™ is going to involve a big R and a little M, a little R and a big M or and R and an M that are roughly the same size. Either way, the stakes are thought to be high and it’s unlikely to leave any time or resources for posting letters.

A spokesman for brand strategists ‘Shitr, Shitr, Powell and Shitr’ told us “Deliveries are so last year. What people really want is to look at the letters R and M and contemplate what it means to them and their lifestyle.  A spot of dew on a spring flower. A glamorous couple arriving at a high society party in an expensive car. We’ve had complaints that an old lady in a small village may be isolated if she doesn’t get a mail service every day. But let me ask you this. What does that old lady know about brand? Where are her marketing qualifications?  Mnyah.”

We spoke to one member of the public, Bert Onions, who told us he was delighted by the move and was looking forward to being part of the new RM™ mission “As a member of the public I officially own part of the Royal Mail. But in a short while I won’t and then I can buy some of it back. It’s a fantastic opportunity. A privatised RM™ is going to need to go all guns in driving the business forward. And they’re not going to do that if they’re fucking around delivering letters are they?”

The Government have denied that any Ministers have friends on the board of directors at DHL and have assured that none are planning to start up rival delivery companies.

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