Michael Gove’s “Top ten money saving tips”

Sir Michael of Gove

Hi I’m Michael Gove and I’m terribly upset by accusations that I am out of touch when I merely said poor people should manage their finances better instead of using food banks. It’s my fault for not being more specific, so I’d like to explain some money saving tips that have always worked for me and should keep your grubby mitts off our food banks.

1) Eat in the same restaurants regularly. The staff will get to know you and be more likely to give you more complimentary chocolates with your coffee. Sometimes you might even get a free after dinner drink!

2) Think to yourself “Do I need to drink a vintage wine?” A 2008 Pauliac may not have been the best year but at only £40 a bottle the savings add up after the third or fourth bottle

3) Ask your Saville Row tailor if he will give you a discount if you buy several bespoke suits at the same time. He might even throw in a free waist coat. Remember, if you don’t ask you don’t get!

4) Invest in priceless art. That will get you invited to art exhibitions which will more than likely involve free canapes.

5) Out for the night? You probably don’t need a whole gram of coke.  Half will do if its good stuff and if you pretend you have a bladder problem, you can normally get away without sharing it.

6) Still broke? Simply cash in an ISA or move some money from your savings account into your current account. Failing that it might be time to sell some shares!

7) Be more like Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall. Buy a large plot of land in Dorset  and grow all your own food. You can then film yourself cooking it and having lots of smug dinner parties.

8) At the end of the week always put £100 into a jar. That will leave you with a nice little nest egg for those Ocado orders.

9) Pay day loans are a great way to get money into your account very quickly. Can’t pay it back? Simply take out another payday loan.

10) Be less stupid. If you weren’t such a bunch of thickies you wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place would you?

Bon appetit

Michael x

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