Customers who disagree with today’s 9.2% pay rise can go and heat their homes and cook their dinner using gas from their own anuses according to a spokesman from British Gas this morning.
“We understand public frustration of prices rising faster than incomes. But it’s not our fault that people don’t earn enough. And you can always use your own guffs if our gas is too pricey for you.”
The announcement has received a mixed response from the public with many protests being offset by people fitting copper piping to their arses. One such member of the public Bert Onions told us
“I managed to produce nearly enough gas to fry an egg this morning. And I’m pretty sure that if we collect trouser wind from all the family and the dog then there might be enough for a quick shower. In fairness British Gas doesn’t normally follow through though when you turn the tap on. I suppose that’s what you pay the premium for.”
David Cameron has ruled out freezing prices but instead offered a series of words in a particular order.
“I would encourage customers who are not happy with the service they’re getting and are not happy with the prices, to go to the switching sites online and see whether they can get a better deal. And if they can’t then they can go and light their own farts” he said.
News Toad 
We’re lucky to have such wise leaders…