Economy set to suffer as middle managers deemed incomprehensible

middle management

The fragile recovery of the British economy is said to be in danger unless project managers and their immediate superiors can find a way to stop talking in total gibberish according to a report released this morning. The report states that if unchecked a new breed of middle management may pass their entire career without making any sense to anyone at any point. Including each other.

One confused worker told us “I’ve just been asked to put my hands on the pump and drive the business forward. I’ve been working here 4 years and I didn’t even know we had a pump. And apparently its crunch time and we’ve all got to get into crunch mode. Is he telling me to work late or take an early lunch? I don’t actually understand the words that are coming out of my bosses mouth. I can only assume I must have had a stroke.”

A spokesman for the National Association of Non Managers told us that a rising number of  workers go through days and often weeks at work simply guessing what their duties might be.”Look, I don’t want to get all ‘Village of the damned’ on you but they’ve always been a funny lot, and they’re getting worse. Perhaps if they could just learn to speak normally then we might be able to forgive the mad staring eyes, the flip charts and the slightly unnerving revelation that they never go to the toilet.”

One middle manager we spoke to denied that his firm suffered from any communication issues. “We’re on it 8 days a week so any issues are being made extinct by instinct. It’s not so much a question of analysis paralysis but more boiling the ocean. It’s a show stopper. A schedule chicken. A coconut shuffle.”

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