Bernard Manning wins Celebrity Big Brother

Bernard Manning has surprised his critics by probably becoming the first ageing racist comedian to win Celebrity Big Brother.

Our Big Brother correspondent explained “He started off very unpopular and initially he seemed a surprise choice of candidate. But to save his career he pressed on trying his best not to offend too many people. That, some clever editing and the fact that the rest of the house mates were so odious has meant he secured the winning slot by votes from a largely young audience who’ve never seen him perform. I’m assuming that’s what happened. Obviously I didn’t watch it either.”

To gain the coveted CBB title Bernard Manning beat off a plethora of star studded fellow contestants which included Charlie Brooker, a bloke called Dippy, one of the coconuts out of Kid Creole and the coconuts and a Dalek.  The surprise victory will now doubtless open the doors for a prime time television chat show and a sell out British tour thought to be entitled “I’m not racist but…”, a humorous slant on having non-white neighbours.

One viewer told us “I used to hate him. But now I love him. He’s proper famous again just like Alex Reid. And he’s absolutely right. People of different races do appear and disappear on zebra crossings depending on their ethnic origin and the colour of the stripe that they are standing on at that particular juncture. It will be great to once again legitimately find that amusing.”