Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has today outlined measures to streamline the Full English breakfast by removing sausages.
Speaking on the Andrew Marr show Mr Osborne said “They’re quite unnecessary. In the eyes of the law, a Full English only has to contain eggs, bacon and one other item. After years of breakfast mismanagement by labour people now have unrealistic expectations. We need a fitter, leaner, more cost effective breakfast if we’re going to not only sit on the deficit but shit in its mouth.”
In private it’s thought that many Conservatives would prefer to be completely rid of the Full English. Seen by many as a culinary dinosaur, it dates back to post war Britain when Prime Minister Clement Attlee declared that everyone should be entitled to eat things cooked in lard.
The move, which is the latest in a series of ‘tough decisions’, is not thought to have widespread public support. One member of the public told us. “They’re still the same old nasty party. Since they got into power you’re already getting so called Full Englishes served up with only one egg. One fucking egg? Might as well give everyone open sandwiches for lunch and be done with it.”
Breakfast Austerity has had limited success overseas and in the United States, plans to reduce the American breakfast in size to only 19 massive pancakes covered in maple syrup and rather odd bacon have been met with fierce resistance.
Prime Minister David Cameron has assured Mr Osborne of his full support on this matter. “We all need to tighten our belts. Not me though, I’ll be having three different types of sausage along with eggs, bacon, black pudding, white pudding, mushrooms, beans, tomatoes and a fried slice” he explained.
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