“Don’t ever get ill” Doctors tell Jeremy Hunt

The medical profession has united as one this morning to issue a stark warning to Secretary of State for Health  Jeremy Hunt “Don’t ever get ill.”

One GP told us “I’ve made it quite clear that whenever I see that Jeremy Hunt, no matter what his affliction, I’m going to repeatedly prescribe him estrogen until such time as he grows a pair of womens tits.”

The sentiment it seems is reflected across the wider profession. One surgeon at St Mary’s hospital Paddington told us “I can’t stand that Jeremy Hunt but at the same time I’m a huge fan of the Island of Doctor Moreau. Basically,  if he comes in for an appendectomy he’s going to wake up half man, half horse.”

One nurse told also at St Mary’s told us “I’m just going to give him injections until I’ve successfully inoculated him against fuckwittery. A number of enemas involving french baguettes may also be on the cards.”

But not all in the medical profession share such a dislike for Mr Hunt. One homeopathic physician  told us “Like us Mr Hunt believes that you can cure all ills with sugar pills that have been dipped in some water that has once touched something that isn’t proven to cure anything. And like us he believes we should charge £200 for a session rather than it being free at point of contact. So whilst he’ll most likely leave with exactly the same affliction that he came in with, nothing sinister will happen to him and he’ll leave with some sugar pills that he can use to make his coffee taste sweeter”

Jeremy Hunt took over as Secretary of State for Health from Andrew Lansley in 2012 after Mr Lansley came round from a routine operation to realise that he had a monkey’s voice box and a bushy tail.