Calls to eat animals that have eaten seven portions of vegetables

A new study published today has urged people to consider their health and stick to eating animals that have eaten not just five but at least seven portions of fruit and vegetables a day.

Lead investigator Dr Oyinlola Oyebode said  “We would suggest that people just ate seven portions of fruit and vegetables themselves but that would be ridiculous not to mention boring and time consuming. However if you eat a sheep for example who has eaten seven different types of plant then you get to add their portions onto your own, similar to how it works with conkers. Probably your best bet is to eat ‘economy mince’ as that will most likely be made up from a variety of animals who in turn may well have eaten a variety of vegetation. Or not. But at least you’ve done your bit.”

The study of 65,226 men and women indicated people not eating fruit, vegetables or meat were far more likely to die – at any given age.

A spokesman for the World Health Organisation who had previously championed 5 a day told us “Pick a number between 3 and 11 and then decide which animal eats that number of portions over the space of a day or maybe a week. For example I’m having bacon. And pigs eat all sorts of stuff, including vegetables.”

It is not clear from the study whether smoking vegetation is is more beneficial to longevity than smoking meat.