Bastard Barclays in bigger bumper bitching bankers bonuses bonanza


The City of London have spent this afternoon riding around on horses shooting guns in the air and drunkenly whooping at the news that Barclays bank shareholders have voted today to increase their spending on remuneration packages which include higher bonuses for staff despite a 30% drop in profits.

One trader in a slightly contrived American accent told us “Hot dang, we’ve had years of going round looking like we’re ever so ever so sorry but now it’s Hoedown  time and we’re having a bigger bumper bitching bankers bonanza. This is my cousin Brad. He’s a banker too.  It’s time to start filling our bath tubs up with good ol’ champagne and start having a wank in a big pile of money again.”

One shareholder told us that despite lower dividends he was over the moon about the situation.

“I’m awfully pleased about it. They do an amazing job and they have to dress up incredibly smart every day. A seven figure salary plus the same again in bonuses might seem like a lot of money but it isn’t that much when you have to pay the mortgage on a house in Pimlico, the bills on a country retreat, a Range Rover, bottles of champagne, call girls and a cocaine habit. I for one am happy to forgo any dividends for the near future.”

Barclays have been criticised recently for their practice of adding zeros onto customers overdraft balance and turning up at their houses on horses with a lasso, demanding payment plans.

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