Boots takeover gives dull managery types something to talk about


Wide eyed but dull managery types throughout the country have filled wine bars, chain coffee shops and hotel lobbies today to excitedly discuss the fact that one huge faceless corporation has taken over another.

One be-suited middle managery person told us “I lost most of my real friends years ago when I started endlessly talking about people management, the power of ‘brand’ and Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in my spare time. So it’s wonderful to meet up with other people who only have their management career to cling on to, and join them in looking up at the God like magnificence of an infinitely huge corporation and ponder at our own insignificance by comparison. I lost the ability to have conversation with normal people years ago  but here it’s different.We’ve discussed organic growth, inorganic growth, year on year growth, year on toast growth, stretch targets, even stretchier targets, flaccid targets, it’s all so exciting that I’ve done a little bit of wee.”

However, the excitement is believed to have been shortlived with many new friendships barely surviving until the evening. Another manager told us “Once we’d covered all aspects of the merger it was clear that no-one knew what else to say. In fact we just stared awkwardly at each other twitching.”

A spokesman for Walgreens who have taken over Alliance Boots told us “All our employees must embody the Walgreen brand at all times. Even when they are asleep. Or taking a shit.”


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