The USA’s pitiful performance in the Paralympics is entirely due to Americans not having enough guns, according to presidential hopeful Donald Trump.
“It’s nothing to do with a lack of investment in athletes with disabilities by our uncaring ultra-capitalist system, and its nothing to do with our lack of public healthcare either. It’s about us not having enough guns. Bang! Bang!” Mr Trump explained.
However Mr Trump has denied that America having been beaten by countries that have virtually no guns, was in any way a flaw in his argument.
“The reason Britain are beating us in the Paralympics is because over there, for every person that doesn’t have a gun, there’s another person that doesn’t have a gun. So it’s just the same pro rata as everyone having a gun. And that makes more guns than us in real terms. And if we can make sure everyone our side of the pond has a gun then it’ll be the same as everyone not having guns.
“And of course with Trump as president there’ll be a lot more investment. In guns. Bang! Bang!”
“We’re going to shoot each other and then only concentrate our funding on the fit and healthy” One source told us.