“Next time we’ll elect someone even worse” promise US voters

US voters have promised that they will vote in someone even worse at the 2020 presidential elections if Donald Trump’s reforms fail to make America great again. “He oughta be alright. He’s racist, misogynistic and he mocks people with disabilities. And he thinks everyone should be armed to the teeth. So that should bring world […]

Trump “USA would do better in paralympics if we had more guns”

The USA’s pitiful performance in the Paralympics is entirely due to Americans not having enough guns, according to presidential hopeful Donald Trump.

Trump shock at news shooting his opponent means he’ll just get another opponent

Presidential hopeful Donald Trump has told of his shock today at finding out that if someone shoots Hilary Clinton he won’t automatically become President and the Democrats will just choose another opponent for him.

Republican debate ends in shoot out

The Republican party are today appealing for new presidential hopefuls following an incident earlier where all existing candidates shot each other. Front-runner Donald Trump repeatedly tangled with Texas Senator Ted Cruz and former Florida Governor Jeb Bush in a series of tense exchanges before all three began firing at each other, sporadically ducking behind their […]

Britain to trial America’s successful gun laws

Britain is to trial making gun ownership legal following its resounding success in America and the many convincing arguments from republicans that this  freedom to bear arms thing is actually very good idea. Prime Minister David Cameron said “You might think our cousins from over the pond are psychopathic buffoons with their insistence on keeping […]

Americans celebrate independence from not being allowed to shoot each other

Americans throughout America are today celebrating 240 years of independence from the UK and the subsequent freedoms associated with it, such as eating incredibly shit chocolate and running around shooting each other. One reveller told us “If the UK was still in charge they’d have taken away all our guns. In fact we probably wouldn’t […]

Americans to melt down all their guns and make them into one big gun

Americans are to get rid of all their guns in order to melt them down and use them to construct one big communally owned gun. A spokesman for the White House told us “It’s just not enough for us to all have guns. We all have to lay our hands on the biggest gun in the […]

Clinton to ban guns if elected as president

Former First Lady and now presidential hopeful Hilary Clinton has vowed to outlaw possession of all firearms throughout America, the moment she begins her term as President Speaking to a packed press conference Mrs Clinton said “We have 40 times as many gun deaths per head of population than Britain where it is illegal to […]

Piers Morgan persuades Americans to swap guns for water pistols

Former Daily Mirror editor Piers Morgan has persuaded the entire population of America to stop using guns and wean themselves of the habit by parading around brandishing water pistols instead. Speaking on CNN Mr Morgan said “It’s not the ideal result. I was hoping America would ditch their guns completely and instead point their fingers […]