New UKIP leader and salaried MEP Diane James has promised UKIP members that she will squeeze the life out of a new born puppy every single day until Britain invokes article 50 and then every day after that until the process is complete.
In her first speech as leader Mrs James assured members that she would build on Nigel Farage’s novel approach to politics but with her own unique twist.
“Nigel prefers to incite casual racism and intolerance over a laugh, a pint and a few Benson and Hedges. I prefer recreational animal cruelty as a means to reach out. So I say to all Europeans, shut the door on your way out but leave me your pets.” She explained.
And Mrs James warned any members who have recently defected to the Conservative party that they might risk supporting a leader with slightly less embittered pointy features who as a result, might not take Britain fully out of Europe.
“We encourage anyone who still blames their life’s woes on long bread, the local mosque or the European parliament who pay my wages, to come back into our fold. We’ll always be a broad church. Of bigots, racists and Daily Express readers. And you don’t have to be a paid up member. Just bring me a kitten.”
Former UKIP leader Nigel Farage has congratulated Mrs James on her position and assured UKIP members that he will stay out of the way.
“I’ll keep spouting shit in the pub, just without the cameras. Unless people come with cameras of course. Or unless Diane runs out of bunny rabbits. I’ll give her a couple of weeks.” He told us.