Poor people will be required to consult Phillip Schofield before spending any of their benefits according to new legislation passed today.
Speaking from outside Number 10 where Theresa May had just offered him the position Mr Schofield told us that he planned to take the job very seriously and would spend office hours traversing the country in his Bentley, chastising poor people for buying fish cakes when they could make them themselves fora bit cheaper.
“I’m rich beyond most people’s wildest dreams and I have a very cushy job. And so the thought of someone who has fallen on hard times managing to glean a splinter of enjoyment from an otherwise bleak existence makes me feel cheated.
“When I found out that a benefit claimant spent £5 of taxpayers money on some cheap fizz at Christmas, it made my blood boil.
“They just sit around watching TV all day. Whereas I sit around being on TV all day. And that makes me responsible for deciding people’s shopping lists. It’s a step in the right direction now that’s been made official but there’s still a long way to go. Ideally I should have the power of life or death over all of you.”
Mr Schofield has warned that he may not be able to visit every single benefit claimant before they go shopping but has promised a speedy reply to any requests made to him with the twitter hashtag #canibuythisphillip?. However, one shopper told us that they were still waiting for a reply as to whether they were allowed to buy rich tea biscuits.
“I don’t care how much of a queue there is behind me. I’m not paying for them until Phillip says I can. I’ll just keep tweeting him repeatedly until he does.” she assured us.