Honesty boxes to be used for new offence of driving like a cunt

Motorists will have to punish themselves by removing points from their own licenses and inserting cash fines into honesty boxes under the new offence of ‘driving like a cunt’.

Road Safety Minister Stephen Hammond said: “Cunty drivers are a menace and their negligence puts innocent people’s lives at risk. However we’ve sacked half the traffic police so they’ll have to tell themselves off.”

Already popping up in major towns and service stations, the honesty boxes appear to be bringing out the best in motorists. We spoke to one motorist who had hogged the middle lane on the M6 for two hours having previously spent an afternoon in the pub and run over a guide dog on an impromptu diversion through Stafford.  “I let myself off with a warning today but I can be pretty sure that I will be keeping a close eye on myself over the next week or so” he told us.

Mr Hammond has argued that the new measures will ultimately make the roads safer, with people regulating themselves. “People will look deep into their hearts and ask themselves, “Have I driven like a cunt today? If so, how can I make amends? I’d better put money into the honesty box””

One cabbie we spoke to thought it was a good idea but voiced his concern that people might not always realise when they’re driving like a cunt. “I don’t drive like a cunt meself. But everyone else does. For example, look at that bloke. Turning right like that when everyone else is turning left. What a cunt.”

Leader of the ‘Same shit different faces’ party Ed Miliband has argued that the definition of driving like a cunt could perhaps be a little woolly on occasions. “You could just be driving similarly to a bloke who is actually a cunt in all other respects but drives in a sensible fashion. I preferred the old law against driving like a twat. You knew where you were with that one.”