New 8 pint limit for pensioners

watneys party 7

Old people should try and keep their drinking down to around the 8 pint a night mark or risk health difficulties when they’re even older, according to research published this morning.

Dr Graeme Wilson, from Newcastle University’s Institute of Health and Society, said: “These people are made from tough stuff, they hail from an age when everyone had 4 pints and a double gin at lunchtime and would often drive home after a proper session at the golf club.  We’re not sure why this demographic are able to drink so much. We think it’s something to do with using imperial leather soap. But drinking heavily in your sixties and seventies may still cause complications in your eighties and nineties so pensioners need to ask themselves ‘Is it the week-end?’ and if it isn’t ‘Do I really need pint number nine?”

Whilst this may be taken on as official Government guidelines, it is unlikely at this stage to be made law. Certain publicans have agreed to assist in helping pensioners wherever possible. Bert Onions, landlord of the Nags Head in Aylesbury told us “I give every pensioner a Watneys party seven and a straw the moment they come in the door. When they’ve supped that I bring them another pint. After that I’m not going to serve them any more drinks unless they specifically ask for them.”

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt denied that he was presiding over a ‘nanny state’ but urged pensioners to take their time if intent on supping more than a gallon. “If you pop out and smoke a pipe between every beer then then by the time you’ve finished your eighth then you’ll have burnt off the first two already. So you can have a couple more” he advised.

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