Charles Saatchi, his estranged wife Nigella Lawson and their former personal assistants Francesca and Elisabetta Grillo have all been sentenced to fuck the fuck off, in a surprise ruling from Judge Robin Johnson.
Passing sentence Judge Johnson said “I can’t be arsed to wait for the jury to make their minds up. I’m overruling any decision they make anyway, unless it is to order you all to fuck the fuck off immediately, in which case I’ll go with it.”
“None of you need money, you’re just using the whole thing to air your stupid laundry in public. And half the time when you leave the court, it is either in a huge opulent car or prancing along with similarly smug people wearing huge furry hats. My suggestion is that rather than waste public funds any further, you all fuck the fuck off to Gucci Island in a diamond encrusted yacht and make sure you take enough cocaine with you so you don’t have to come back here any time in the near future.”
One member of public we spoke to in the gallery told us that he had mixed feelings about the ruling. “I don’t know about that Saatchi or those Grillos, but I’m going to miss ogling over prime shots of Nigella’s cleavage on her cookery shows. I guess I’m just going to have to try and fancy Nigel Slater instead. And it’s going to take a few beers I can tell you.”
News Toad 
I’ll see your “fuck the fuck off” and raise you a “Go on piss off out of it you vacuous, foi gras guzzling arseoles and take the fucking Kardashians with you while you’re about it!”