MPs to theatrically pretend to look for abuse dossier

david cameron abuse dossier

MPs are set to spend “a good day or two” overtly and theatrically pretending to look for the so far elusive abuse dossier that was on a desk and then it wasn’t, according to tough new mouth play from privileged product of the establishment and Prime Minister David Cameron.

Speaking with a very serious look on his face and waving his finger to add emphasis to particular words in his sentences, the Premier explained “I want  all MPs searching from room to room until they find that dossier. And if that doesn’t work I might suggest that they split up rather than searching each room en masse at the same time. You know what it’s like you look everywhere and find out you’ve had it in your hand or it was in the filing cabinet marked ‘secret list of paedophiles in incredibly powerful positions’ all the time.”

Leon Brittan explained “I think the dog got it. Or I left it out on the lawn after reading it one sunny afternoon, then the gardener mowed the lawn and it was all shredded. Or my son accidentally handed it in at school instead of his home work. Or perhaps it highlighted a list of incredibly influential figures  in Government, civil service, the church and the Royal family and thus had to be destroyed to prevent a revolution. Or it might have just slipped behind a radiator. Either way, whatever I’m telling you now I will be issuing a statement amending it at lunchtime. I remember it like it was yesterday…”

Rumours are abound of a coalition rift regarding the matter. Deputy Prime Minister and Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg told us that he would be joining in the mass dossier hunt grudgingly. “It’s always the last place you look so for that reason there’s absolutely no point in looking for it.” he explained.

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