Islamic State’s Christmas tips

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

Hi all, my name is  Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and you may know me as leader of rapidly growing jihad mongers Islamic State, What you may not realise is that when we’re not beheading people in the name of jihad we like nothing more that a good knees up. And what better time to let your hair down than Christmas when many people have time off work and you’re guaranteed to get a James Bond film on the the telly. .It may seem like a long way off but believe me it’ll be upon us in a shake of a lambs tail. Some people occasionally mistake me for Father Christmas. I wish! Anyhow here are my tried and tested tips to make sure it all runs smoothly.

Everyone likes a glass of champagne with their smoked salmon, but often a decent cava can be just as good and half the price!

Due to our huge level of funding from mysterious sources we often have the ability to buy each other particularly lavish presents. But sometimes setting a £20 limit can be just as fun. After all it’s the thought that counts.

Open all your presents carefully. That way you can use the wrapping paper again.

Start making your Christmas cake now and then feed it with rum once a week so it’s extra boozy!

Start your Christmas shopping early and while everyone else is stressing you can be relaxing by the tree with a mince pie

If you’ve had to give money to carol singers, simply follow them home and sing ‘Away in a Manger’ outside their house. They’ll be morally obliged to give you your money back.

Advent calender too small? You can simply hoof the front doors in of house numbers 1 to 25 in your street on the appropriate dates and steal a chocolate.

Either take the bangers out of the crackers or ban machine guns from the dinner table. Mild explosives and trigger happy dinner guests are a terrible mix!

Anyhow, I’d better get back to it. I have a huge Christmas card list and I want to make sure I’ve got enough stamps! Seasons greetings

Abu x

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