Cameron “Northerners to blame for next recession”

Every single person from the north of England is responsible for the next recession according to Prime Minister David Cameron.

Speaking to Parliament following his return from the G20 summit Mr Cameron said “The last recession was finally brought to an end by us, in a rather heroic fashion if I may say so, by discriminating against, disabled people, poor people and public sector workers. Now we’re on the verge of another downturn and of course that can’t be our fault. This time the blame lies very firmly with everyone who resides in or hails from anywhere north of the Watford gap.

“You simply can’t trade with these people. They call bread rolls barm cake and they’re constantly dissatisfied with the size of portions of chips in the south. And they keep telling everyone else and each other that they’re from the north. Sadly it’s left to the rest of us to pick up the pieces.”

Mr Cameron has not made clear what sacrifices people from the north will be expected to make financially or culturally, but has made it quite clear that “they must get with the programme.”

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne added “The last recession was a result of an overall global downturn caused by the mis-selling of sub-prime mortgages in America. So the chances are if we have another recession on our watch then it would have happened for the same reason  even if labour were still in power. So it’s all labour’s fault. And I don’t think it’s any coincidence that many of their MPs are northern.”

One northerner we spoke told us “He’s right. We’re all going to have to stop jabbering incomprehensibly and pull our weight a bit more.”