Piece of toast to contest labour leadership


Labour Leader Ed Miliband has said that he will fight every step of the way to keep his leadership and stand for Prime Minister in the forthcoming 2015 elections, as news broke that he has been formally challenged to a leadership vote by a slice of toast.

One Labour insider told us “It was just waiting to happen. David Miliband’s not an MP anymore. Alan Johnson can’t be arsed. Chuka Ummuna keeps pissing around waiting for the right time and now he’s been quite rightly usurped as number one contender to the Labour leadership by a slice of toasted bread.  He should have gone for it while he had the chance.”

Indeed Team toast are widely rumoured to be the bookies favourite at Westminster with some MPs openly planning to vote against the present leader. One MP told us “I’m not willing to discuss my intentions publicly but sod it. Vote for toast. Everyone likes a bit of toast. When do hear anyone say oh shit it’s some toast? That’s it, you don’t. It’s toast all the way.”

Should the leadership bid be successful, the change of management is tipped to prompt a rapid return of Labour’s former core support. One such former member said “I used to vote labour but I switched to UKIP because only a borderline racist, privately educated, former city trader like Nigel Farage can possibly understand the plight of the working classes. But now I’m going to switch back and vote for a slice of toast. You know where you are with toast.”

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