You too can become a millionaire in five easy steps

The more money you have the better a person you are. Everyone knows that.

Prostituting yourself in a wide eyed evangelical fashion to the corporate Gods can be time consuming, leaving precious few hours for sitting in poncy wine bars making sure everyone knows that you are drinking expensive champagne which secretly you don’t even like. So here are five easy ways to become a millionaire

1) Find a job that pays a million pounds a year and work for a year without spending anything or paying any tax. Hey presto one million pounds! Only on  £20k a year? No problem!  Simply work for 50 years without spending anything or paying any tax.

2) Is your house worth a million pounds? Simply sell it, an hey presto you have a million pounds!

3) Be rich already from birth. It’s a tried and tested method that’s worked for most of the Government.

4) Sell drugs. Simply buy a million drugs at a pound each and sell them for two pounds. The good thing about selling drugs is the taxman just doesn’t want to know!

5) Lie. You may not have the pounds shillings and pence but you can still alienate people and walk around in an aloof fashion. And just watch their jealous little faces.

Followed these points? Congratulations, you’re a millionaire! It wasn’t rocket science was it? And now you can strut down the road with your nose in the air like a peacock in expensive boots arguing that the mansion tax is unfair and the only way to get Britain back on track is by punishing the poor and disabled.

Now you just have to decide whether to vote Conservative or UKIP.  Cheers!