Green Party to ban competitive sports

Natalie Bennett

A Green Party Government will ban all forms of competitive sports, forcing sports channels on TV to instead show programmes about vegetarian cookery and eco-homes that run on poo.

Already hitting the headlines for her promise to crack down on the illegal but widely practised sport of sheep fighting, party leader Natalie Bennett has gone further to say that every type of competitive has some bearing on shrubs and animals.

Speaking to Andrew Marr, Mrs Bennett explained “I don’t have time to explain exactly which sports have an adverse bearing on which shrubs and animals but I can name a few. Horse racing is unfair because it makes donkeys feel inadequate .Football is unfair on moles. Darts might seem like a harmless enough activity until someone accidentally spears a passing eagle. And basket ball involves continuously bouncing a ball up and down which is a bit like fracking.”

The move has gone down well with many sports supporters and participants, who agree that it’s about time they found something else to do.

One football supporter told us “I used to watch sport every week but now I think its time for me to grow up and instead concentrate on my carbon foot print. That way we’re all winners. “

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