Panic as traders’ bonuses could be a bit lower

traders panic

Stock market traders in London, Paris and Frankfurt have slightly lowered their proposed bonus expectations as fears of a Chinese economic slowdown continue to worry state endorsed corporate gamblers worldwide.

Selfishly other people have just carried on with their lives.

One trader told us of the sorrow he felt at the prospect of an annual bonus with a lower than usual surplus above everything he could possibly need.

“It’s hard enough facilitating the virtual monetisation of the very fabric of existence whilst a quarter of the world’s population don’t have enough to eat, without the sudden realisation that we might have to put up with a slightly smaller fortune to wave about in people’s faces this year.

“If I can’t afford to buy a cottage in the country every year with my bonus then the prices won’t go up and villagers with normal jobs will be able to afford to live there again.

“Posh hotels won’t be able to take our money whilst we sit there going mnya mnya and ordering uproariously expensive vintage wines in a matter of fact sort of way.”

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne issued a stark warning to those to blame for any future credit crunch. “Disabled people and benefit claimants better hope the situation rights itself, because any increase in the public deficit is coming out of their pockets. Traders needn’t worry too much. They’ve probably seen this coming a mile off and placed bets on them losing money.” He explained.

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