A highly organised criminal dwarf gang are being hunted as prime suspects as the entire £32 million proceeds from last year’s Children in Need were mistakenly awarded to sham charity “Children with beards”
The charities promotional leaflet says “Many of these children have had excessive facial hair since the age of 3. As a result they are unable to get child tickets in cinemas and swimming pools. Also, despite their age they are expected to buy rounds in pubs, and are often mistaken for miniature versions of American bearded rock band ZZ Topp. ”
President of the Children in Need board of trustees, Sir Terry Wogan KBE, apologised to the public at a hastily assembled press conference this morning. “I’m terribly, terribly sorry. I know we shouldn’t have given all the proceeds to the same charity but these lovely little children with beards just tugged at the heart strings. They explained that they needed a lot of money to buy vital medication sadly not available on the NHS. In the form of a white powder that is then inhaled through the nose. It is thought that that in conjunction with measured doses of sparkling wine could act to prevent any worsening of the condition. They said they also needed to buy an Island”
“I’ve certainly learnt my lesson from this and I won’t be giving away any more charity funds without at least speaking to the rest of the board, particularly since the leprechauns with haemorrhoids incident. ”
A number of famous dwarves have been quick to distance themselves from the whole situation. None sadly were able to issue a statement today due to a large all night party held for dwarves last night on an island.