Osborne warns of further cuts to his own conscience

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has warned of further cuts to his conscience, in time for the forthcoming 2016 budget.

Speaking on The Marr Show the Chancellor said “It’s not going to be easy, since I don’t really give a shit about anything already. But I’ve just had news in that the world is an uncertain place, apparently more so than yesterday, so I’m going to have to make some difficult decisions and give even less of a flying fuck to the tune of 5%.”

It’s thought that the Chancellor’s plans to give even less of a monkey’s without giving himself a hard time will be gradually phased in between now and his 2017 budget, with plans to freeze the bank accounts of all disabled people only being instigated once income tax has successfully been increased for all homeless people.

“Any ounce of compassion we have left will be drained away gradually over a period of months, rather than being snuffed out like a candle.” He assured.

“It’s not going to help the economy either, because we’re cutting training schemes to get young people, disabled people and benefit claimants into work. This ‘uncertain future in a changing world’ thing that I keep talking about, I decided that after watching planet of the apes. So that makes my decisions even more difficult.

“And I think after that I deserve a drink. Chin chin!”