Northern provincial towns from Hull upwards are set to return to being in monochrome, following more difficult decisions from the Government this morning.
Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne said “They’ve had colour since the 1970s but if we’re being honest, they haven’t really known what to do with it. That’s why there were so many goths there in the 1980s.”
Whilst the moves will upset some northerners, particularly ones that paint themselves orange in the hope of getting on reality TV shows such as ‘Geordie Shore’ or ‘Poo bay’, many it’s thought will be relieved at getting back to a simpler way of life.
“You hear people in Alderley Edge strutting about and wittering on about reds and blues. But the rest of us spend most of our time watching television. And they’re only in black and white anyway so it won’t make much difference.” One Stockport resident explained.
“And it makes snooker fairer because you have no idea of the score, so it’s always a draw.” Another added.
Indeed, many communities never really accepted Isaac Newton’s spectral colour wheel and have continued to live in monochrome, with local residents shunning employment in favour of standing outside their houses, looking on disapprovingly at any unsuspecting stranger who might walk past wearing clothes with discernible hues.
Mr Osborne has come under fire from many within his own party who claim that the cuts do not actually run deep enough.
Conservative MP for Wellingborough Peter Bone said “They shouldn’t even be talking. They should be running around communicating via subtitles written on pieces of board whilst someone plays the piano. That’s the only way that they’ll be financially fit and lean enough to embrace the northern powerhouse. Whatever the fuck that is.”