“Here you are. Here’s €13 billion” Apple tell EU

Technology giant Apple has handed over €13 billion to the European Commission today telling officials they were surprised they hadn’t asked earlier.

Apple CEO Tim Cook said “We have plenty of reserves so we’re right on the nail with paying our debts. You may think we suck the lifeblood out of society, exploit the third world and make even right wing Governments seem like communists with our incessant devotion to year on year growth. But in actual fact we’re lovely so here’s €13 billion. No really we insist. It’s the least we can do.

“Of course if we didn’t it would seem like we just treat people like objects in a manner akin to an all powerful feudal Lord with a personality disorder. We’d look like some sort of cunty techy starbucks.”

The decision from Apple to vaguely pay it’s fair share has been denounced in the USA where concerns are that it will detract from their egalitarian society, where all corporations pay tax and there is virtually no poverty. However, the move has been well received in Europe. EU president Jean-Claude Juncker said

“We would like to thank Apple for settling their bill so promptly. These multi-national corporations aren’t half the snivelling cunts we make them out to be.

“Of course, it’s going to take me a while to work out how to allocate all this money. And it’s my decision alone. I think I need to stay in power for a very long time.”