Many families hosting an Elf on the Shelf this Christmas may unwittingly be harbouring an illegal immigrant who left unattended would most likely take your job and convert your children to Islam according to UKIP leader Paul Nuttall.
“Elf on the shelf is a tradition started by Muslims anyway. And now they’re using it do even more immigration.” Mr Nuttall explained.
“Immigrants already get a red carpet and their own helicopter when they arrive in Britain, but seemingly that’s not enough, and now they get to walk straight into your front room, sit on your shelf, read your copy of the Daily Mail truning the pages with their foreign fingers, and help themselves to shit.
“They’re coming over from foreign climes and desecrating the British tradition of Christmas with their diversity and exciting cuisine. And pretending to be elves.”
Indeed UKIP have issued an information leaflet outlining ways to recognise a genuine Elf on the Shelf rather than an opportunistic economic migrant. Signs to look out for include an elf knocking at your door and asking in broken English to sit on your fireplace, being 6 foot 3, or perhaps not being dressed like an elf.
“It’s best to buy one already in a shop, packaged in a box. However, they’re becoming more convincing all the time And there are gangs that will pack you into one of those boxes for a price, and make you look small. And there’s nothing they won’t try to get their hands on our great British spunk.”
One furious Daily Mail reader told us “I voted Brexit to stop all this and now I find out the elf I bought for little Chardonnay might be an immigrant. So obviously I ripped it apart with my teeth. And now I’ve got to buy another one. And that might be an immigrant as well.”