Public stampede to buy 5p bags

Government legislation to charge 5p for plastic bags is set to start a stampede of consumer madness this morning according to shopping experts.

One shopper we spoke to was just finishing an excited morning of bag procurement when we spoke to him.”They’re an absolute bargain. I can buy 20 of these polythene bad boys and I’ve only spent a quid. Wait until the neighbours see how many bags I’ve got! Mind you I haven’t bought a bag for all my bags. You’ve got to think about the environment.”

However another passer by told us “I remember when the High street used to have a green grocers, a butchers and a sex shop. Now it’s just bag shops. Trouble is nobody wants to buy actual things any more. It’s all about the bags.”

Indeed, the bag shopping frenzy is not without its dark side. In a permanent game of one upmanship people are now judged amongst their peers by the amount of bags they have stuffed in drawers in the kitchen. Traditionally people will spend 10% of their income on bags but some will spend more to give a false impression of affluence, with some unemployed people  rumoured to have been spending all their benefits on bags.

“Obviously a black market is emerging where people can buy fake bags on market stalls and street corners for as little as 4p or sometimes even 3p. They might seem like a bargain but you can spot a counterfeit bag a mile off.” One expert explained.

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has called the new bag buying frenzy a kick start for the economy and a victory for his fiscal policies. “Some people think that all these bags are bad for the environment but in reality they just get eaten by seagulls. And very tasty they are too” he told us.