Osborne “We must stop poor people buying houses”

George Osborne has told a packed audience that a cap on mortgage loan amounts is essential in order to stop poor people from buying houses.

Speaking to lots of people who can afford houses and also very nice dinner jackets, the Chancellor explained “We don’t want low to moderate earners to struggle with mortgage payments that go up all the time. We want them to struggle with rent payments that go up all the time, so they end up with nothing to show for it. If we let them struggle with mortgage payments and they get through it, after 25 years they’ll be all paid up and won’t even have to pay rent or mortgage payments. They might even have disposable incomes. And that’s what we need to put a stop to.”

Secretary of state for work and pensions Iain Duncan Smith added “We need to keep spanking the housing monkey. If we don’t have a underclass that can only afford to rent their homes then we won’t have anyone to look down our noses at, thus feeling special and superior.”

However, all is not lost for people struggling to get on the housing ladder as popular pay day loan company Wonga have announced a new mortgage wing to their business. A spokesman for Wonga explained “It’s no more expensive than a normal mortgage providing you can pay for the house in full by the end of the month. And don’t forget we’ll accept anyone. Even your child or pet cat can get on the housing ladder. And who in their right mind would want to deny them that?”