Government to have more birds promises Cameron

The Government is set to have more women to brighten the place up a bit, according to Prime Minister David Cameron.

Speaking on the Marr show the premier explained “We’ve been under fire for not having enough women in cabinet. And that’s obviously because we discuss politics and important men’s business. But if we’re being honest, none of us have a clue about soft furnishings and we realise that we might lose votes if we don’t have a bit of totty hanging around on the sidelines. So in answer to our critics I can confirm that I’ve had a frank and thorough chat with Esther McVey regarding a future conservative Government. I can also confirm that she was wearing a very nice dress with matching shoes and handbag.”

Mr Cameron is said to also be interviewing Liz Truss and Penny Mordaunt and has promised to create new senior positions of Minister for Lipstick, Minister for Shoes and Secretary of State for being a good girl and making everyone a nice cup of tea.

However, it’s not all one for the blokes as according to a Conservative party source the Government have found an unlikely sex symbol in Work and Pensions secretary Iain Duncan Smith. “We realised Iain looked a little bit like a tortoise and so does that Pharell Williams, and he’s beating them off with a shitty stick. We’ve already stuck a hat on his head and they look virtually the same. Once we can get him singing in a high pitch voice we’ll have nailed it.”

Labour leader Ed Miliband has hit back at the Conservatives for delivering too little too late. “Everyone knows labour are the party you wouldn’t kick out of bed for farting” he explained.