Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has vowed that medical services throughout the UK will continue unfettered, despite the forthcoming NHS strike, thanks to an army of Reiki Healers, homeopaths and crystal therapists who are to be brought in to cover.
Speaking on the Andrew Marr show Mr Hunt assured the public that whilst the replacement service might cost them a few quid, it would be good practise for later on when the entire system would be privatised.
“People will have to pay because these people don’t like to offer a ‘free at point of contact’ service. But anyone who’s broken their arm is going to be mighty glad they’ve got a reiki healer who can harness the power of chi or a homepath who can sell them sugar pills, rather than a stupid nurse. If anything they’ll be disappointed when normal services resume in the afternoon.”
Indeed, the Royal Sussex County hospital which will be manned entirely by crystal healers has already promised to reduce waiting times at Accident and Emergency by at least 50%. “They come in, we shove an amethyst up their arse, they’re cured and they go home. Job’s a good’un”
Mr Hunt has come under fire from critics who claim that alternative medicine cannot replace the job of midwives who will also be striking. Mr Hunt has defended his decision saying that a complimentary medical birth is quite safe. “Mums to be will be picked up by a homeopathic ambulance who will then use the power of chakras to deliver the baby whilst the father, if present, will have a quartz, topaz or opal up his arse depending on how much chi is in his aura. It will be a multi-disciplinary team.”
Mr Hunt has described the demands of healthcare professionals for a 1% pay rise as “pie in the sky and out of touch with reality.”