Hunt to tackle ebola with cuts and privatisation

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has vowed to tackle the threat of an ebola epidemic in Britain through a series of stringent cuts, pay freezes and gradual privatisation of the Health Service.

Speaking on the set of the Andrew Marr show and ignoring the fact that neither Marr nor any camera crew were present Mr Hunt explained “We’re approaching an epidemic of biblical proportions so we need medical professionals who are leaner and fitter, or tired and more emaciated depending on which way you look at it. What labour would probably do is increase funding. However we’re going to tackle the epidemic responsibly by refusing any sort of pay rise for already dangerously overworked NHS staff and farming as many services out to our chums who own private healthcare companies. You can’t just throw money at these things.”

“We’re already having to fork out for ebola proof suits. But we’re not afraid to ask the difficult questions. Can’t people just wear a partial suit and go smart casual? Can people share an ebola suit? Instead of cleaning and disinfecting suits, couldn’t they just be turned inside out and used again?

“Obviously I’m a big fan of homeopathy so don’t forget if you put a small amount of ebola in a large expanse of water, hit it with a leather thwacky thing and dip a sugar pill in it you’ll be cured. Weirdly enough your Doctor won’t tell you that.”

One Member of the public we spoke to told us he felt very relieved having Jeremy Hunt at the helm of healthcare in Britain. “Thanks to Jeremy Hunt I don’t have ebola yet. Not to my knowledge anyway.He’s definitely the best man for the job.”