Ebola case reported in Dorset

Residents of Dorset and the surrounding counties are being urged today not to panic after a case of the Ebola virus was reported this morning.

Bert Onions of Poole who this morning discovered he had the disease immediately called the local branch of Robert Dyas where he was due to work and announced that he would be unable to come in for his morning shift, the rest of the week also looking quite unlikely.

“I woke up quite nauseous with an absolutely splitting head ache and knew straight away that I must have Ebola. I don’t like letting people down but I think it’s best for all concerned that I stay off work until I’m better.” He told us.

Mr Onions who has not yet spoken to a Doctor regarding his condition said that he was confident a cure could be found and he could make a full recovery. “I don’t know what the cure is, but I can tell you this, it’s not alcohol. I had eight pints of lager, four whisky chasers and two jaeger bombs last night. I didn’t go to bed until 4 in the morning. And if anything I feel worse. I don’t think I even had these symptoms yesterday.”

One neighbour of Mr Onions told us “All we can do is hope, pray and keep our fingers crossed. However I spoke to him half and hour ago and he said the ibuprofen was kicking in and he felt he might be ready to tackle a full English breakfast. Possibly followed by a quick hair of the dog in his local. I doubt he’ll be back at work for a few weeks though. You can’t be too careful”