“I will stick my finger up your arse” Merkel tells Cameron

German Chancellor Angela Merkel has told David Cameron in no uncertain terms that whether the UK remains in the EU or not she will exercise her right to stick her index finger up his arse, most probably when he least expects it.

“Whether Britain leaves the EU or not I have my index finger primed and ready to go. Obviously if Britain does leave then there will be immediate restrictions on free movement for foreign labour within UK and also free movement for British people seeking to find work themselves elsewhere in the EU. In the meantime at a time convenient to me I’ll be exercising free movement of my index finger and placing it firmly up David Cameron’s arse.” She explained

“Finger. Arse. It’s unavoidable and not up for discussion. Even if Britain pays that extra £1.7 billion.” She continued.

Downing street would not comment directly on the reports but sources suggest that Mr Cameron would wish to renegotiate such a relationship before entering into an in out referendum.

One EU source told us “I bet Cameron’s exercising free movement of his sphincter right now. He must be bricking it.”

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has caused further controversy by suggesting that Mr Cameron only has himself to blame should Mrs Merkel’s plans come to fruition.

“If anyone’s going to give me a digit enema then it’ll be an indigenous Brit with stubby fingers. And we’re the only party who are not afraid to say it.” He told us.