Young people will be required to earn any social security benefits they may receive by painting themselves orange and assisting in the production of chocolate on a live-in basis, according to strict new measures announced today by Prime Minister David Cameron.
“We have to end this entitlement culture. And young people are going to have to learn that benefits are earned not just given. And in this case they’re going to be earned by 30 hours a week making chocolate and another 10 hours a week being short, formulating puzzles and singing songs.
“There’s hardly anyone able to help these young people into work, mainly because we sacked most of them as part of this austerity racket. We could re-employ lots of employment workers again but it might look a bit leftie. So the best thing we can do is orange up the youngsters and make them produce confectionery.”
The Prime Minister has denied that there is any connection between his community work scheme and the Charlie and the chocolate factory books by Roald Dahl and told us he doubted that young people themselves would make any such connection.
“Young people these days think Oompah Loompahs are blue. Well they’re living in a fantasy world and they’re going to get a rude awakening. Just like we did. Or didn’t.”
In other news Labour have promised every young person a real job as a train driver.
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