Hunt “No GP call outs for monkeys jumping on the bed”

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has vowed today to press on with cuts to the NHS that would virtually eliminate funds for GPs to carry out home visits where they strongly advise monkeys to desist from jumping on the bed.

Speaking on the Marr show, Mr Hunt said “Obviously we expect Doctors to turn up at patients houses with their bag and their hat and knock on the door with a rat-a-tat-tat whether we pay them or not. But coming out several times in one night to the same household for the purposes of scolding each separate monkey is ridiculous. If they want that level of care they’ll have to go private.”

The news has not been received well, even amongst some of his own supporters. One regular surgery user told us

“It’s ridiculous. In the past a GP would come out 5 times in the night to see to each one of 5 monkeys who’ve fallen off the bed and suffered a head injury seperately. Now they ask all sorts of questions over the phone about whether the monkeys are British nationals and whether they smoke and you’re lucky if you even get one Doctor turn up to berate your monkeys. But I’m going to carry on voting conservative and moaning vociferously about overstretched services without really making the connection.”