Conservatives divided over whether to be total bastards or utter bastards

The Conservative party is thought to be divided today over whether to be total bastards or utter bastards.

Prime Minister David Cameron has denied that now the Conservative Government has disenfranchised just about every sector of society that isn’t them, they were ready to turn on each other like a pack of rabid dogs.

However, a source from within the party told us:

“There are some of us that want to shit on everybody struggling to make ends meet, and others that only want to shit on some people who are struggling to make ends meet in order to further their own political career, so as to manoeuvre themselves into a position where they can shit on absolutely everyone that struggles to make ends meet.

“Iain Duncan smith was clearly a total bastard. But when he left the cabinet citing his own policies as the reason that made him an utter bastard. There’s a big difference.”

However, the former Work and Pensions Secretary has argued that he has always been an utter bastard and could name a number of colleagues who feel the same way.

“We’ve had enough quite enough of ourselves and our unfair policies so we’re forming a separate faction that is going to do exactly the same thing.” He explained.

“And in the meantime, George Osborne should resign. And re-apply for his old job. And get it. And stand up. And sit down. And then get on with the serious business of ensuring a quarter of the population don’t have enough to eat.” He added.

Former Tory Leader Michael Howard urged conservative MPs to calm down and remember that ultimately they were all bastards.