President Trump has today signed a new executive order placing a 90-day ban on people from Skull island, just in case one of them is a forty-foot high monkey.
The controversial order has received widespread criticism following publication of a report which concludes that anyone climbing the empire state building without authorisation is far more likely to be white and middle class with expensive climbing equipment, than a giant ape holding a woman and swatting military planes like flies.
Though the ban is not thought to be coming in until later in the month, many tourists arriving in the US have already reported being subject to extreme vetting practises .
“They told me it was up to me to prove that I wasn’t a tyrannical gargantuan simian that insisted on sacrifices from local villagers, and was now intent on creating havoc in an inner-city environment. I had to show them all my papers.” One recent arrival told us.
A defiant Mr Trump has refused to talk to most media sources apart from Russia Today but tweeted yesterday: “These are your facts and you have your own liberal elitist agenda. We have different facts.”
Indeed, a spokesman for the Trump administration lambasted the media, apart from Russia Today, for not reporting the positive achievements of the last few weeks. “There hasn’t been a single attack on our capital by a rampaging super gorilla since Obama left and all you people do is find fault. It’s why we won’t be holding any more press conferences. Except for Russia today.”